It was really important to me that I mentioned this. I didn’t want to put a dampener on the happy birth announcement but this really is something that needs to be mentioned.
I have been really honest about my battle with anxiety, depression and OCD.. Having a baby should be the most happy and exciting thing for any new Mum (or Dad) but unfortunately “Baby Blues” can creep up and the most happy, down to earth new Mums. It’s nothing to be ashamed of or to be embarrassed about. I fully get that you things like not having any Diet Coke in the house can set you off. Trust me. Some nights I find myself crying at absolutely nothing.
I have to continue to be honest with you all. Having the anxiety, depression and OCD already has at times made me feel completely at the end of my tether. I’m worried that I am not good enough for my family, that I am letting them down all the time, that Rupert isn’t ok, that Mike doesn’t love me anymore, I feel sad that I can’t keep up with housework and I find it hard to leave the house. What may feel like a tiny step for others for me is climbing Everest. I don’t want Rupert to be cold. I have this really thing that he’ll freeze. I am afraid to drive my car in case I crash. I am freaking out because my house is never clean enough. For anyone else it’s spotless but for me I can see germs everywhere! I hate it! And it makes me sad that my back is so bloody sore that I struggle with household stuff. I can’t expect Mike to do everything but I just need a bit of time for my body to heal. But while all that’s going on I can’t cope with the emotional side of it all.
Another thing that has really hit me is how lonely I have felt. When Flo was born I had so many visitors it drove me insane. I couldn’t wait for people to leave. Since having Rupert I’ve hardly seen anyone. I have been continuously let down by people and even ignored by some. I want to show off my beautiful baby boy. All I want is a friend. Someone who I can chat to for hours in the evening. A distraction from all the negative thoughts and sad things that run through my head. Mike is self employed and has worked really hard to get his business to where it is. I was very selfish to think he would be able to take time off to spend with me and the baby and I actually feel a bit foolish I’ve allowed myself to get my hopes up so much. I miss him in the evenings the most to be honest. I can stand the days when I have food and TV!
My baby boy is a week old already and I am looking forward to this down patch to be over. I can’t wait to get myself better and back out in the big wide world!!!
Thanks for your time!