It was really important to me that I mentioned this. I didn’t want to put a dampener on the happy birth announcement but this really is something that needs to be mentioned.
I have been really honest about my battle with anxiety, depression and OCD.. Having a baby should be the most happy and exciting thing for any new Mum (or Dad) but unfortunately “Baby Blues” can creep up and the most happy, down to earth new Mums. It’s nothing to be ashamed of or to be embarrassed about. I fully get that you things like not having any Diet Coke in the house can set you off. Trust me. Some nights I find myself crying at absolutely nothing.
I have to continue to be honest with you all. Having the anxiety, depression and OCD already has at times made me feel completely at the end of my tether. I’m worried that I am not good enough for my family, that I am letting them down all the time, that Rupert isn’t ok, that Mike doesn’t love me anymore, I feel sad that I can’t keep up with housework and I find it hard to leave the house. What may feel like a tiny step for others for me is climbing Everest. I don’t want Rupert to be cold. I have this really thing that he’ll freeze. I am afraid to drive my car in case I crash. I am freaking out because my house is never clean enough. For anyone else it’s spotless but for me I can see germs everywhere! I hate it! And it makes me sad that my back is so bloody sore that I struggle with household stuff. I can’t expect Mike to do everything but I just need a bit of time for my body to heal. But while all that’s going on I can’t cope with the emotional side of it all.
Another thing that has really hit me is how lonely I have felt. When Flo was born I had so many visitors it drove me insane. I couldn’t wait for people to leave. Since having Rupert I’ve hardly seen anyone. I have been continuously let down by people and even ignored by some. I want to show off my beautiful baby boy. All I want is a friend. Someone who I can chat to for hours in the evening. A distraction from all the negative thoughts and sad things that run through my head. Mike is self employed and has worked really hard to get his business to where it is. I was very selfish to think he would be able to take time off to spend with me and the baby and I actually feel a bit foolish I’ve allowed myself to get my hopes up so much. I miss him in the evenings the most to be honest. I can stand the days when I have food and TV!
My baby boy is a week old already and I am looking forward to this down patch to be over. I can’t wait to get myself better and back out in the big wide world!!!
Thanks for your time!
This may be a little late arriving but I have had my hands rather full!
On Sunday 24th (day after my due date) I had a day of generally not feeling great. Was uncomfortable, hot and everything ached! We decided to go for a walk in the afternoon for some fresh air and a change of scenery. We got to the last little bit of the walk and I was begging Mike to get the car but he said there wasn’t much point as it was a longer drive than walk!! When we eventually got back to my Mum’s I was completely done in. Well and truly exhausted. After we’d gotten home and the kids were in bed Mike rubbed my feet for me, which was heaven! I headed to bed pretty early as I’d just had enough of the day! As I was in bed trying to get myself comfy I had this real pain right across my tummy. Made my eyes water! I had a couple of these before I finally managed to get comfortable! Just as I was nodding off at about 1030pm I felt my waters pop! I text Mike (he was downstairs oblivious) and the waters just wouldn’t stop!! I rang my Mum just to give her a heads up Flo needed to stay with her that night and then called the midwife on call to let them know. Turns out my waters had Meconium in them so I needed to go to the hospital straight away! My step dad collected Flo and we took Tom to his Mum’s on the way to the hospital! We got to the hospital very close to midnight and I was hooked up the machine super fast. They needed to check baby wasn’t in distress and he wasn’t at all thank goodness! I was only 3cm dilated but still had time to progress. They gave me 2 hours to see how I progressed without the hormone drip. The 2 hours passed very quickly and I was still 3cm. Totally gutted!! I was put on the hormone drip after one failed cannula and one successful one in my wrist! Ah! The pains came thick and fast after that! My midwife was adamant I should have an epidural (I had a terrible experience with Flo and was really reluctant but for some reason she wouldn’t let me have gas and air) IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH SKIP THE NEXT FEW LINES. I’LL MAKE IT OBVIOUS I’VE FINISHED THE HORROR BIT– The anaesthetist came in very quickly to do it for me but unfortunately he could not find the right spot in my back! He put the local in which is bad enough and I kid you not he must of had about 10 attempts at the epidural. I have never felt pain like it. I have given birth before and being poked in my spine was 10x worse! At one point I heard him say “oh ffff” I couldn’t see anyone’s faces but I could hear them all wincing! When he stopped to compose himself I looked at them all and they were all pale. At one point he got me right in a nerve and my right leg shot out.. They told me to let them know if I had a contraction not if it was hurting me so I gritted my teeth and ploughed through. When they asked if it hurt I couldn’t lie and I said yes. They couldn’t understand how I was keeping so calm. I have to be honest, inside I was crying, I was so so close to giving up. He’d had so many goes with it in and out of my back. I’m still getting nightmares about it all! — HORRID BIT OVER When they epidural had gone in it was great haha! You don’t feel the pain as such. More of a tightness. I was examined again and had only gotten to 5cm! Totally deflated!! It got to 845am and I could feel a lot of pressure. Was in quite a bit of pain so they topped up my epidural. By 915am it was unbearable. I had to push. I knew I was ready because, like they say, I thought I needed a pooh!! They midwife checked and yep sure enough I was ready! We tried to push but he wasn’t quite ready. I’d been in touch with my mum just to let her know what was going on. She was at the Dr and totally unaware of how fast it had progressed! I had one message from her before I started pushing again and I just said to her I was fully dilated. She didn’t believe me! The midwife went out of the room at about 945am and said she’d be about half an hour. At 10o5am she came back in and the Dr and the crash trolley (this is protocol when Meconium is in the waters) were ready and prepped next to me. At 1019am my beautiful pink, crying boy was born. He was lifted up onto my chest and I burst into tears. I couldn’t believe he was finally here. He weighed 7lb 10oz and he was absolutely perfect. He only kept me waiting for 2 days and in all honesty he was well worth it. After I’d delivered the placenta and all usual checks were done I was run a lovely bath. After the bath were taken down to post natal ward. We were told I’d be going home that day and I just had to wait because I’d had an epidural. I tried to catch some sleep but the ward was so noisy and my back was agony. We were given the all clear to go home at about 5 o’clock. Mike dropped me and Rupert home and he went and collected the kids. I have to be honest I’d been up for about 40 hours and I was delirious with tiredness. As soon as the kids met him I went to bed!
I am the proudest Mummy.
Thank you for your time!